Jannie’s Story- Finding Joy in Motherhood

Hi, my name is Jannie. I first experienced depression in 2012 while on a mission for my church. I was actively suicidal and felt overwhelmed with anxiety and despair. I was completely confused and lost. After my mission, over the next several years, my depression slowly got better. I felt hopeful about my future and married my incredible husband.

We were thrilled when we found out we were expecting a baby. It was a smooth pregnancy, but after I gave birth my mental illness came back with a vengeance as postpartum depression. I had to go back on my medications and started going to therapy. Nothing seemed to be helping. Once again, my life felt worthless.

In the dark state I was in I truly believed that my family and friends would be better off without me and began contemplating suicide again. I thought I was a terrible mother and wife because I felt like I was failing my husband and new baby constantly, and I really beat myself up over it. I felt weighed down by my depression, and it really strained my relationships with the people who were closest to me.

After struggling with my depression for some time, I went to talk with my OBGYN about how I was feeling, and together we decided that medication and therapy weren’t cutting it. She suggested a type of treatment called TMS that I hadn’t heard of before and told me about a clinic that offered it called Serenity Mental Health Centers.

I visited Serenity and met with Dr. Nyberg. He agreed that TMS would likely benefit me, especially if I went through ketamine infusion therapy first. With that assurance, I started treatment.

As Dr. Nyberg had suggested, I started ketamine treatment first. It definitely provided some much-needed relief, but it was just temporary. The staff at Serenity explained that ketamine acts as a bridge to provide immediate relief while waiting for the long-term relief TMS provides to kick in. And that’s exactly what it was for me. Ketamine wasn’t a miracle cure for my depression and I still had a lot of negative thoughts, but my suicidal thoughts were gone, which was a drastic change from where I had been.

A few weeks after I completed my ketamine treatments, I was notified that my insurance would cover TMS treatment! I was still hesitant to begin TMS treatment because of the huge time commitment (especially with a young child). Fortunately, my family and friends really stepped up to help care for him so I could make my appointments and receive the treatment I needed.

I didn’t really know what to expect when I came in, and initially I was skeptical it would help. The machine was loud, but the treatment wasn’t painful. My TMS tech, Rose, validated me and my feelings every step of the way. She really listened to what I had to say in a way that showed me how much she cared about me as an individual. While TMS helped my brain to function better, talking to Rose was probably my favorite part, and did more for me than the therapy sessions I was undergoing at the same time. TMS on its own probably wouldn’t have been something I looked forward to, but the way she treated me made it easy to want to come in.

As the weeks passed, I was able to recognize changes in myself. There were instances where things didn’t get to me as much as they used to, or where I was able to appreciate things around me. After I graduated from TMS, it really hit me just how much my life had changed.

For the entire first year of my son’s life I couldn’t really enjoy time with him, which was incredibly painful. Now, because of TMS, I’m able to enjoy my time with my son, even when things are difficult (as parenthood is sometimes). I’m able to appreciate the time I have with my family and friends, and to be kinder to myself.

If I were given a chance to talk to myself before starting TMS, I would tell myself that despite all the difficulties, this treatment is so worth it. I am myself again. If you are struggling with depression and anxiety and don’t know where to turn, give TMS a chance. It was absolutely what I needed to get to where I am now, and I can confidently say that this incredible treatment has given me my life back.